Relationships — worst jokes

Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."

"I don't believe it for one minute !" Marie snapped.

"You're just saying that to make me jealous !!!"

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I go... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house ... I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."

"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I'm the one who poisoned you."

Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight? You're going out? Yes. With whom? With a friend. I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man. I didn't leave him. He left me! You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies. I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? I never left you to go out with anybody except your father. There are lots of things that you did and I don't. What are you hinting at? Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight. You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out? My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone! So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place? He's not a loser. A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite. I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? Poor children with such a mother. Such as what? With no stability. No wonder your husband left you. ENOUGH !!! Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! Now you're worried about the loser? Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately. Goodbye, mother. Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over? I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out! If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York.

She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "MAMA, I'm pregnant! Don't get excited. The father is my boss." She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. "YOU," she shouted, "What's going to be?"

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'm making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week." The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment.

"Tell me," she said, "God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?"

Mr. Schwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol. He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do?"

"I study the Torah," he replies.

"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are you going to feed and house her?"

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Schwartz.

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like. "Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."

Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding... "I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."

His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message: "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?"

In England they say "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?"
In France they say "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland they say "It's 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a new pistol.

On the other side of town, at his bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day at school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. They each liked what the other one got, so, they traded.

That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man. The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!"

"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, 'How longa you gonna be?'"

That Scottish couple finally worked out a solution to the eternal love triangle.

They ate the sheep.