Relationships — worst jokes

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that." The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

- Father: Did Paul bring you home last night?

- Daughter: Yes, it was late. Daddy. Did the noise disturb you?

- Father: No, My Dear, it wasn't the noise. It was the silence.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. (The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.

Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time.

No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.

All My Love,
Jimmy

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style - folded down with the fur showing.

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.

What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.

What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.

What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!

What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.

What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their parents.

What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents every fault and make their life a living hell.

1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife.... I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours."
5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."
10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"
15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"
16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to divorce proceedings..."

Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?

"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Pam ?" said her closest friend.

"Well," Pam confirmed, "although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired."

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money ?"

The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike." sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So... out looking for a little, huh ?"

She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. I'm out looking for a lot !!!"