Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!"

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"

"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.

"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.

The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

"Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!"

"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while.
"But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, will you shut up!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

It was embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!"