Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

How did a blind man meet his wife?
→ On a blind date!

- I got my wife a VCP for her birthday

- Don't you mean a VCR?

- No, a VCP . . . Very Cheap Present!

It was Grandpa Jones' 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.

He explained "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years."

"How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked.

"It's simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk."

Joe was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.

"I'll never understand women" said Joe. "The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted."

"Wow! That's quite some gift" said the bartender. "So why are you so dejected?"

"Well I thought about it for a while" said Joe, "and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won't even speak to me!"

A man who forgets his wife's birthday is certain to get something to remember her by.

A biologist had been working on a remote research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his return to the States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health had deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in strange jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologist's wife, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, and generally do anything he asks.
Don't discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. " If you can do this for the next 10 months or so, I think your husband will regain his health completely. Otherwise.......well...
He'll probably die"

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

She replied. "Honey.....he says you're probably going to die."

When Mr Maxwell's wife left him, he couldn't sleep.
Why was that?
→ She had taken the bed.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
House Wife Barbie ...dressed in ratty, old housecoat; comes with dirty laundry and sink full of dishes

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Divorce Barbie ...includes the house, the car, and half of Ken's belongings

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"