Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

- Do you realize what time it is? - she asked.

He answered:

- Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house.

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked:

- What did you buy for the house, dear?

His answer was:

- A round of drinks!

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded " i have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife:

- I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on.

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies:

- Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?

The husband replies:

- No - I'm turning the heating off.

- I was married 3 times - explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.

- That's a shame. - said his friend , How did it happen?

- She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said:

- My wife was reading a 'Tale of Two Cities' and she gave birth to twins.

- That's funny - the second man remarked - my wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets.

The third man shouted:

- Good God, I have to rush home!

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed:

- When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!!

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:

- Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking:

- What trip?

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say:

- Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane.

And every year Edna would say:

- I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said:

- Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.

Edna replied:

- Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.

The pilot overheard them and said:

- Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars.

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred:

- By golly, I did everything could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

Fred replied:

- Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking:

- What trip?

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read:

- Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

- Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.