Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
→ "Darling, could you tell me about your work."

What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty?

A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically:

- Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS.

- G.O.O.D - answered his wife.

- Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

- Well, dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks:

- I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says:

- Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?

He replies:

- You didn't use what I got you last year!

After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail.

Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said:

- Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.

- My darling - he replied, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said:

- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

- You're a brave man - said the dentist.

- Now, show me which tooth it is.

The husband turns to his wife and says:

- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said:

- I was being the ring bear.

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said:

- Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.