Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said:

- You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?

- What dear? - She asked gently.

- I think you bring me bad luck.

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
→ Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
→ Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
→ They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
→ Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
→ A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
→ Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you're really ugly?
→ Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
→ When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why did God create alcohol?
→ So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
→ "Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
→ Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
→ A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
→ Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
→ A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Jack and Jill were getting married. Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says:

- I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on.

- I can't wear these, she said.

- Darn right, he said. I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that.

- I think I'll try that on Jill - Jack said.

He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

- Put these on, he said.

- I can't wear these, Jill replied.

- Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that, he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

- I can't get in to these, he said.

- Darn right, Jill said. And if you don't change your attitude you never will!

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything. Just before he died, he said to his wife:

- Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said:

- Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!

She said:

- Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

- You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?

- I sure did - said the wife. I wrote him a check.

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. - Mickey Rooney
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. - Helen Rowland
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. - Unknown
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore. His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

- Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink - she suggested smiling.

- Good idea - says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

- If there's anything else you'd like just call - says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath. A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer.

- What the heck is that for? - asks the husband snappily.

- Oh Darling, says the wife, flustered, I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. She always complained:

- You'll fart your guts out one of these days,

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. The old man says:

- You was right all along Missus,

- I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!

A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses.

The blonde says to the redhead:

- isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?

The redhead says, yes it is.

The blonde responds by saying:

- Oh you are so lucky.

The redhead says:

- No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart.

The blonde says:

- Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in?

What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
→ You can park in handicapped zones.

The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.

- Why are we so happy? - he asked.

- Honey, I have some really great news for you!

- Great, tell me what you're so happy about.

She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down.

- I'm pregnant! - she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier. Then she said:

- Oh, honey there's more.

- What do you mean more?

- Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

- It was easy - she said.

- I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!