Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution:

- You don't want to try these techniques at home.

- Why not? - asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

- Did it save time? - the person in the audience asked.

- Actually, yes - replied the expert.

- It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
16. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.
18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.
20. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.

A man goes to his doctor and says:

- I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?

The doctor replies:

- Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says:

- What's for dinner, honey?

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says:

- Honey, what's for supper?

She replies:

- For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf idiot!

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another:

- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

- Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says:

- You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says:

- Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' ....and she's always sound asleep.

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says:

- Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says:

- I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed.

- What happened then?

- She said:

- get out from under the bed and fight like a man.

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him.

- Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?

- I got it for my wife, eh.

- Oh! Good trade.

- For our Twentieth, I'm taking my wife to Australia.

- That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth?

- I'm going to go back and get her.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

- We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.

- Well, tell me! - the man said.

The policeman said:

- We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said:

- Give me the bad news first.

So the policeman said:

- I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay.

- Oh my god!, - said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion.

Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked:

- What's the good news?

- Well, - said the policeman.

- When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.

- If that's the good news than what's the great news?! - Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said:

- We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
→ Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
→ They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said:

- I haven't eaten anything for days.

She looked at him and said:

- God, I wish I had your willpower.

- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

- Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."