Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say:

- I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case.

Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.

While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.

Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say:

- Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.

Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.

Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.

Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say:

- Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?

Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say:

- Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish.

Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.

Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say:

- Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn't going to hurt you.

Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask:

- Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?

Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she's making.

When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.

When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.

Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim:

- And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU.

When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say:

- I'll get the rest of it for you dear.

Feign suprise when she says that's it. End with:

- This is all you got for how much?

On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.

As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband. Than brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.

Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say:

- Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones.

Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.

When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.

Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with:

- No that's not what..

Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say:

- What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it.

Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they're yours. When they need something, they're hers.

A wife complains:

- A wall clock almost killed my mother-in-law today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.

Her husband mumbled:

- Clock always was slow.

He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.. You wear briefs, don't you?

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.

He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said.. Well, you succeeded.

He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said.. I would, but you're never there.

He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked:

- Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?

Looking her over carefully, Harold replied:

- Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.

- Oh, you flatterer! - she gushed.

- Hey, wait a minute! - Harold interrupted.

- I haven't added them up yet.

17. "I finished the Oreo's."
18. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
19. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."
20. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."
21. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
22. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
23. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
24. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
25. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
26. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
27. "Get your own ice cream."
28. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
29. "Got milk?"
30. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
31. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
32. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied:

- About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. "And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like:

- You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"