Answers To Everything

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
→ Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
→ Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
→ They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
→ Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
→ A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
→ Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you're really ugly?
→ Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
→ When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why did God create alcohol?
→ So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
→ "Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
→ Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
→ A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
→ Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
→ A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."