Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.

Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

This newly wed couple were on their honey moon and were about to have sex:

- Wife: Before we do this I have something I have to tell u.

- Husband: We're married now, u can tell me anything.

- Wife: I'm flat chested.

- Husband: I don't believe u.. prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

- Husband: Holy shit I never seen a smaller chest, but I have something I have to tell u too.

- Wife: We're married now u can tell me anything.

- Husband: I'm "weighed like a baby".

- Wife: I don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

- Wife: I thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

- Husband: I am 6lbs 7ounces!

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

- Just where the heck do you think you're going!

- I'm going to Las Vegas. I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

- Wait a minute! - the man said, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

- Where the heck are you going?

- I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife:

- Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

- Now watch - he said.

Next he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said:

- Dick, at EASE!

And his dick deflated again.

- Wow, that was amazing - said his wife.

- Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said:

- Now watch this.

Then he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was:

- Dick, at EASE!

But nothing happened. So the guy again said:

- Dick, at EASE!

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says:

- For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!

Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

- What in the world are you doing? - she asked.

The guy says:

- I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said:

- I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.

The second woman said:

- My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.

The third woman was silent until she was asked:

- Tell us about your husband.

She thought for a moment and said:

- My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.

- How so?

- He's got his time down to under 40 seconds.

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was:

- F.F.

His wife turned to him and answered:

- E.F.

Out on the highway, he said:

- F.F.

She responded simply:

- E.F.

He repeated:

- F.F.

She again replied:

- E.F.

- Mom! Dad! - their son yelled.

- What's going on?

Bad Bernie answered:

- Your mother wants to eat first!

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife:

- Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!

She ignores the remark.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds:

- If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned:

- Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak:

- Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past:

- C'mon, tell me - she asked for the thousandth time - how many women have you slept with?

- Baby - he protested - if I told you, you'd throw a fit.

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

- Okay - he said - One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..