Kids Jokes — worst jokes

"Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!"

"If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you."

"If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man."

"Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!"

"Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!"

"Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore."

"Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!"

"If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!"

"Don't make me put you back in the womb!"

"As long as you live under this roof, you're going to wear that dress, young man!"

"You just wait til your father gets paroled!"

"Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin."

"Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!"

And the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families...

"All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!"

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID IS TAKING DWEEBONICS CLASSES

10. They tilt their head sideways to smile.
11. When you ground them, they say, "Your UI could really use some work."
12. They say, "My dad can beat your dad at Quake."
13. Instead of laughing, they say, "LOL."
14. They insult kids by saying, "And you've got limited bandwidth!"
15. They change the answering machine message to "BRB, leave your URL, and we'll TTYL."
16. This is how they ask someone out on a date: "Umm, uh, well...see ya!"
17. Calling from camp, your homesick child says, "I'm roaming outside my service area!"
18. When you ask if they've finished their book report, they say, "It's in beta, but it'll ship in time."
19. You're telling them something they don't want to hear. They're saying, "NAK, NAK, NAK" the whole time.

Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up in the morning.

The next morning she came into Herbie's room to make sure he'd prayed hard the night before. 'Well then, open your eyes and you'll know that your prayers have been answered.'

Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, 'Mother! Mother! I still can't see!'

'I know, dear,' said his mother. 'April Fool!'

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs -- without even a torso. It was just a head. Still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it.

Finally after twenty years, they took a much-needed vacation and whom should they meet on the cruise ship but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. 'I know,' he said, 'how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.'

The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, 'Honey... Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!'

'Noooooo!,' shrieked the head, 'Not another hat!'

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

His father asks, "What's the fucking difference?"

Johnny says, "That's exactly what I said!"

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

A little boy and a little girl, on a beach, are arguing. Little boy says to the little girl, "I have a Nintendo!"

Little girl says, "Oh yeah, well I have a Sega and a Nintendo!"

Little boy says, "So, my dad's a doctor!"

Little girls says, "My dad's an astronaut!"

Back and forth they went, each one trying to outdo the other until finally the little boy pulls down his shorts and proclaims, "But I have on of these!!!!" and shows the little girl his penis.

The little girl, not being able to retaliate, gets up and goes home. The next day, the little girl spots the little boy and proudly announces, "My mom said that with one of these (pointing to her's) I can get as many of those as I want!!!!!!

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
→ Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

- Knock Knock.

- Who's there?

- Stan.

- Stan who?

- Stan back or I'll be sick on your shoe!!!!

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Last is little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Johnny replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"