Kids Jokes — worst jokes

One morning at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and wasn't.

He said "God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male nor female."

After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad and asked, "Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"

- Teacher: Johnny, use defeat, deduct, defense, and detail in one sentence.

- Johnny: De-feet of DE-duck went over De-fence before De-tail.

- Teacher: Jack, how old are you on your last birthday?

- Jack: 7 years old

- Teacher: How old are you going to be on your next birthday?

- Jack: 9 years old

- Teacher: That's impossible!

- Jack: No it's not. I'm 8 today.

- Teacher: Mike, go to the map and show me where America is.

- Mike: Here it is !

- Teacher: Good. Now class, who discovered America?

- Class: Mike !!!

- Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?

- Student: Yes sir.

- Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you when you misbehave?

- Student: Yes sir. But since I didn't keep my promise, you don't need to keep yours.

- Cool Student: Teacher would you punish me for something I didn't do?

- Teacher: No.

- Cool Student: Good 'cos I didn't do my homework.

- Teacher: Alfred, name one important thing that we have today and we don't 10 years ago.

- Alfred: Me !!!

- Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

- Billy: No. I'm Billy Anderson.

- Teacher: In this box I have a 10-foot snake.

- Student: You can't fool me teacher ! Snakes don't have feet !!!

- Hygiene Teacher: How do you prevent deseases from biting insects?

- Willy: Don't bite any.

- Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence using the word 'I'

- Ellen: I is....

- Teacher: No Ellen always use "I am".

- Ellen: Oh, alright. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

A boy goes on a fishing trip with his grandpa. They install themselves on the river bank and have brought with them all the provisions they need for a fine day's fishing.

After a while, grandpa lights a cigarette. The boy gazes on. He knows his parents won't allow him to smoke, but he gets on well with his grandpa, so he asks 'Can I have one of those cigarettes?' Grandpa, knowing he shouldn't encourage the boy in a bad habit, but not wanting give a curt 'no' asks 'Does your dick reach your ass?'. The boy replies 'No , it doesn't'. 'Then, ' said grandpa, 'you aren't old enough to smoke.'

Half an hour later grandpa opens a six pack. The boy has always wanted to taste beer so he asks grandpa for a swig. 'Does your dick reach your ass?' asks the old man. 'No, replies the boy.' 'Then you're not big enough to touch beer,' comes the reply.

By and by the boy feels hungry and opens his lunch box. He finds a pack of cookies there and takes one out to eat it. Grandpa sees this and fancies a cookie himself, so he asks for one.

The boy turns the tables on his grandpa and asks 'Does you dick reach your ass?' 'It sure does, says the old man.' 'Then go fuck yourself - These are all mine!'

There was this lady who was in the shower & her little boy walked in on her taking a shower & he saw her pubic hairs & says: "Mommy what's that?" as he pointed down to her.

"Well, that's Mommy's washcloth."

The next day he walked in on her again, & asked her again & she says it was her washcloth. Well, this time when he walked out she shaved it off because she got tired of him asking.

So the next day when he walked in on her, he asks: "Mommy what happened to your washcloth?"

"Uh, Mommy lost it." So the little boy walked out.

The next day he walked in on his mom & says: "Hey Mommy, the maid found your washcloth & she is washing Daddy's face with it!"

And then there's little Johnny who one night woke up to go the bathroom and passed by his parents door.

Noticing that the door was open a bit, he walked in only to see his mother performing oral sex on his dad.

Upon seeing this, little Johnny walks out and exclaims - "Hah!, they got nerve...they sent "ME" to the doctor for sucking my thumb!"

The teacher was conducting a class in nutrition and asked the class to name four qualities of mohter's milk.

Little Johnny pipes up and says, "I know teacher!"

Number One: It's fresh.

Number Two: It's nutritious.

Number Three: I't served at just the right temperature.

And Number Four: It comes in a cool container!

A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything ... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc ... and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk. So she says to him: "One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife".

About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's dick off, and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three : husband, wife, and a 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter).

The observant daughter asks: "Daddy, what was that?"

Her father, still in a panic, says, "Oh it was only a.....uh........butterfly".

"Must've been a big butterfly," replied the daughter...

"Did you see the size of it's dick!"

The teacher of the fourth grade class was giving an English lesson:

"All right class, I want everyone to write a sentence which starts with a question and ends with an answer and has the words possible and definite in it!"

All at once, young Johnny's hand shot up.

"Miss! Miss!" called Johnny.

"Write it down, Johnny!" said the teacher.

"... But Miss! Miss! Miss!" Johnny intoned.

"I said write it down!" exclaimed the teacher who was now quite peeved.

"Miss! Miss!" called Johnny once more.

"Okay, Johnny. I give up. What is it?"

"Is it possible that farts have lumps in them?"

"No!" said the startled teacher.

"Then I have definitely shit myself!"

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.

"Where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma," exclaimed Johnny. "There's a big ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"