Kids Jokes — worst jokes

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(crossed out), diahoah(crossed out), dyah(crossed out) the shits.

It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world...

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 13 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

This one happened on an exam: One of the students identified the rainbow as the arc of the covenant.

Also a true story: The teacher asked her class to draw a picture of the Holy Family and one child drew a rather large figure as part of his threesome, explaining that they were Round John Virgin, mother and child.

The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt. "My mother looked back while she was driving," contributed little Johnny, "and she turned into a telephone pole."

WHY PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell .. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy .. like puppy dogs .. except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour."

"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark."

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television."

"Love is foolish .. but I still might try it sometime."

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place .. We were behind a tree."

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE GOOD LOVER

"Sensitivity don't hurt."

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs .. and don't worry if their parents are right there."

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.. Other people care more about the food."

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up."

"See if the man has lipstick on his face."

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire."

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."

"It might help to watch soap operas all day."

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich."

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it."

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission."

"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."

"Don't forget your wife's name .. That will mess up the love."

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."

"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind .. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."

The little rascals were in class and the teacher was giving them a vocabulary lesson. The teacher said, "Alfalfa, use the word love in a sentence". Alfalfa replies, "I love Darla".

The teacher said, "Good...now Spanky your word is respect". Spanky replies, "I respect the way Alfalfa loves Darla". The teacher said, "Very good! Now Buckweat its your turn, your word is Dictate".

Buckweat replies, "Hey Darla...how did my dictate last night?".

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it for you. No honey for a week."

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, "Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week."

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell her or should you?"

A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken.

She replies, "Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken."

Science definitions from Kids...

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell a oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Three kinds of blood vessels are: arteries, vanes, and caterpillers.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is that it is something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the Moon, because there is no water in the Moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Equator: a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Germinate: to become a naturalized German.

Liter: a nest of young puppies.

Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Planet: a body of earth surrounded by sky.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For a head cold, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned.

Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up."

Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."

When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch."

Martin replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"