Kids Jokes — worst jokes

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said:

- Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these.

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

- I'll give you a hint - said the teacher.

- It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted:

- Spit 'em out, they're assholes!

Children's worst book titles!

• You Were an Accident
• Strangers Have the Best Candy
• The Little Sissy Who Snitched
• Some Kittens Can Fly!
• Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
• Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
• Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
• The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Animals of North America-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!
• All Dogs Go to Hell
• The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
• When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It
• Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
• What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
• Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
• Bi-Curious George
• Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
• You Are Different and That's Bad
• Dad's New Wife Gerald
• Pop! Goes The Hamster-And Other Great Microwave Games
• Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets
• The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
• Babar Meets the Taxidermist
• Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
• The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
• Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse
• The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• The Care Bears Maul Some Campers And Are Shot Dead
• How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
• Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

Johnny was, by all accounts, the worst eight year old kid on earth. He stole, lied, beat-up his sister, just about any trouble this kid could get into, he did. Nonetheless, Johnny wanted a bicycle for Christmas.

Johnny goes to his mother and demands:

- Mom, for Christmas, I want a bicycle!

To this his mother replies:

- Yea, right, ... Santa's not comming to THIS house you little brat, you've stolen from all the neighbors, shoplifted, beat-up kids at school, you'll be lucky if you even get a lump of coal.

Enraged, Johnny storms up to his room. After about an hour, he decides he will appeal his case to God. So he grabs a tablet and starts to write his letter to God.

Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I will never steal again... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.

Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I'll wash Mom's dishes for all year... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.

Evenually, Johnny uses up the entire tablet and has only one sheet left but still no letter to God. Then it hits him. He runs out of the house and down to the church. In the church, he finds the Madona and snatches it, runs home, and hides it under the bed. Then he writes:

Dear God, If you ever want to see your mother again, have Santa Claus deliver a bicycle to my house on Christmas...

Top 10 signs Santa doesn't like your kid:

10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
11. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
12. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
13. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
14. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed
15. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list
16. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee
17. First words when kid gets on his lap are:

- Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you!

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown"
3. Four words:

- Off my lap, Tubby!

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, "Leroy".

- Yes - she replied.

- All three sons are named Leroy.

- Why would you do that? - inquired the government worker.

- It makes it much easier to get things done - was her reply.

- Leroy, time for bath.

And they all would get in the bath.

- Leroy, time for supper.

And they all would come to the table.

Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.

- Oh that's easy - she replied.

- I just call them by their last name.

A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday morning when they stopped at a corner. The little boy hearing a "Beep.. Beep.. Beep" and ask his dad where the sound was coming from.

His dad replied that the sound was comming from a near by dump truck that was backing up and that sound was to warn people behind it to get out of the way.

When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual) and so they got into one of the lines behind a rather large lady.

All of a sudden another man's beeper started to go off and the little boy with fear in his eyes said:

- Look out dad she's backing up!

Mum caught little Johnny jerking his meat off one day.

She told him:

- Johnny dearest, good boys save it till they're 18.

Johnny did. And by 18, he had 11 jars full!

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!

So he goes up to his grandpa and says:

- Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?

His grandpa replies:

- Yes Jimmy, I do.

Jimmy then says:

- Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?

His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds:

- Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Every once in a awhile, this couple would tell their 2 children, Scott (the older one) and Andrew that they were going to go upstairs for a bit (to do their little freaky thing).

One day Scott got curious to what they were doing up there, so the next time they said that they were going to go upstairs he very cautiously followed them.

He peeked in through the crack in the door and whispered:

- Hey Andrew, come look at this. Guess what the woman who told us never to suck our thumbs is sucking?!