Kids Jokes — worst jokes

Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toypen?
→ Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying:

- Lie to me, lie to me!

- Kids: Hello Miss Saunders, can Johnny come out to play?

- Mother: I am sorry kids but you know Johnny has leprosy,

- Kids: Well, then can we come in and watch him rot?

One day a boy approached his mother with a question:

- Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?

His mother, very surprised, replies:

- Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight.

The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...:

- Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!

One day there was a boy at school and his teacher told him to get 4 spelling words.

1st he went to his Brother and asked:

- Could you give me a spelling word?

His Brother answered:

- ShutUp

So he wrote down Shutup.

2nd he went to his Mother and asked her. She answered:

- Certainly

He wrote down certinly.

3rd he wen to his Dad and asked for somthing sweet. His dad answered Lolipop so he wrote down Lolipop.

4th he went to his little brother and asked the question. He answered:

- In my Little Blue Car

The next day he went to school and his teacher asked for the words. He said his 1st word Shutup. Then she asked:

- Do you want to go to the principles office?

He said is second word:

- Certainly.

In the principals office the principal asked what do you think you deserve, the boy answered:

- Lolipop!!

Then the principal asked:

- What do you think your punishment should be?

The boy answered:

- To go in my Little Blue Car!!!!

On day there was a boy at school. He needed to go to the toilet. The teacher said:

- Say your ABCs first

The boy started saying:

- A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The teacher asked at the end:

- Where is your P?

The boy answered:

- Running down my pants!!

I will not waste chalk...
I will not skateboard in the halls...
I will not burp in class...
I will not draw naked ladies in class...
I did not see Elvis...
I will not call my teacher 'Hot Cakes'...
Garlic gum is not funny...
They are laughing at me, not with me...
I will not yell 'fire' in a crowded classroom...
I will not encourage others to fly...
I will not fake my way through life...
Tar is not a plaything...
I will not Xerox my butt...
I will not trade pants with others...
I will not do that thing with my tongue...
I will not drive the principal's car...
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart...
I will not sell school property...
I will not instigate revolution...

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister:

- Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!

One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him:

- coats and jackets.

Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "fucking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said:

- cooking.

Then, he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant:

- grandpa and grandma.

Later, on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over.

Timmy answered the door with glee and says:

- Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age):

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

- Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. - (Judy, 8)

- Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. - (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

- On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

- You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. - (Jim, 10)

- Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. - (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

- It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them - (Lynette, 9)

- It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. - (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

- No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. - (Jan, 9)

- I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. - (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

- Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. - (Roger, 9)

- If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long. - (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

- If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. - (Jeanne, 8)

- It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. - (Gary, 7)

- Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. - (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

- They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. - (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

- I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Sesame Street' is on television. - (Anita, 6)

- Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. - (Bobby, 8)

- I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. - (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

- One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. - (Ava, 8)

SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

- Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. - (Del, 6)

- Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. - (Alonzo, 9)

- One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. - (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF 2 ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

- Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love. - (John, 9)

- Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food. - (Dave, 8)

- It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on fire. - (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

- The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. - (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

- You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. - (Doug, 7)

- It might help to watch soap operas all day. - (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

- It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it. - (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

- Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. - (Tom, 7)

- Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love. - (Roger, 8)

- Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. - (Randy, 8)

A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said:

- All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving.

The mother went into the living room and told her son:

- We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language.

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard:

- All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

- For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!