Irish Jokes — worst jokes

Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia.

His mate asked him what it was like.

"Australia's a great place!" Paddy replied. "First they take you home and fill you so full of piss you can't stand up. Then, to top it off, they let you fuck their women whenever you want."

"Is that right?" said his mate very impressed. "I always heard Australians were real pricks."

"Well," said Paddy, "Only the white ones!"

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotchman sitting on a beach notice a mermaid sitting on a rock. The Englishman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been kissed?' No says the Mermaid. He kisses her and she likes it. After a while the Scotchman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been fondled?'. She says no and he fondles her, much to her delight. After another while the irishman approaches her and asks 'Have you ever been fucked?' She says no. 'Well you are fucked now because the tide's gone out.'

What happened to the Irishman who tried to kill himself by swallowing 100 pain killers?
→ After two he began to feel better.

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

There's these four Irishmen in a bar, all drinking Guinness. One of them is looking rather puzzled, so another turns to him and asks him what's the matter.

- 1st Irishman: Well, I was just trying to remember what 2 plus 2 is.

- 2nd Irishman: Oh, that's easy, it's 147.

- 1st Irishman: No no no, that can't be right. How about you, Fergus, do you know what 2 plus 2 is?

- 3rd Irishman: Hmmm ... could it be Wednesday, perhaps?

- 1st Irishman: No no no, that doesn't sound right either. How about you Pat, do you know?

- 4th Irishman: Simple, the answer is 4.

- 1st Irishman: Of course! How did you work it out?!

- 4th Irishman: Aha, that's where brains come in! I subtracted 147 from Wednesday!

Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.

To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin' three whiskeys."

Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy, it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are."

"Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me first blow job."

Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar.

"Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration with you."

Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either."

Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?"

Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.

"Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?"

"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me."

"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?"

"Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight."

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed. When he replied, the desk clerk asked, "Can I help you sir?"

Our man said "Yes, I would like to change my name."

"What is your current name?" asked the clerk.

"Martin Arsehole," replied the man.

The clerk laughed, and said "I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?"

"Tim."

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess.

He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me."

The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was."

The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.

"Was it Mollie O'Grady?" asked the Father.

"No."

"Was it Rosie Kelly?"

"No."

"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"

"No."

"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."

When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness."

"No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"