Irish Jokes — worst jokes

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

- Priest: Is that you, Tommy?

- Tommy: Yes father, it's me.

- Priest: Who was the woman you were with?

- Tommy: I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation.

- Priest: Was it Brenda O'Malley?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it Fiona MacDonald?

- Tommy: No.

- Priest: Was it Ann Brown?

- Tommy: No.

- Priest: Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it Amy Thomas?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it little Cathy Morgan?

- Tommy: NO father! I cannot tell you.

- Priest: Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat.

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"

"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads."

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.

"Paddy," he said, "I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day."

"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?"

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?"

"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one". They come upon another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How about this one, Paddy?" "Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking".

This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we do now?" "Shaun, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."

A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink.

The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."

The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."

The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."

"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?"

"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, "well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp."

Patrick says, "that's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mick replies, "no, he fell out of the machine gun tower."

35 People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading over the Pacific Ocean. Suddenly, a Message is announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"

"Damn!" Said the Irishman. 10 mins later, "I'm sorry people Engine #3 has died, We'll be 1 hour late"

20 mins later, "Every one, engine # 4 has died, sorry, We'll be 2 hours late"

Suddenly the Irish man speaks out, "Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we'll be stuck up here all day!!"

Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?
→ He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.

Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
→ He wiped the chain and pulled himself.