Random joke from this category
Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzenagger, and Jean Claud VanDam, were talking one day. Chuck Norris asked, "If you were a musician, who would you be?".
Chuck Norris said, "I would be Motzart." Jean Claud VanDam said, "I would be Bethoven." Arnold said, "I'll be Bach!"
A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!" The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says, "Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!" The man say's to the bartender, "oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have."
The bartender replied back, "well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!"
The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.
The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!
The bartender was amazed and says, "alright lets try one more". This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says "lets see him play this!" The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.
The bartender shouted out " See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments!"
And the man replies, "Just give him a few more minutes...as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it, he'll play it!"
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker.
"He's just decomposing!"
The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument. Finally, an Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"
Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.
Mary Had A Little Lamb
3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or 3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321
Jingle Bells
333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621
Frere Jacques
1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111
Olympic Fanfare
3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321
The Butterfly Song
963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621
Happy Birthday
112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121
Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.
- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?
- Paul: My name is Paul.
- St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?
- Paul: 120K.
- St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?
- Paul: I was a lawyer.
- St. Peter: That's great. Come on in.
St. Peter then turned to the second man.
- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?
- Roger: My name is Roger.
- St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?
- Roger: 60K.
- St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger, what did you do for a living?
- Roger: I was an accountant.
- St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in.
St. Peter then turned to the second man.
- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?
- John: My name is John.
- St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?
- John: About $23,000.
- St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?
A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.
She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.
The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing."
Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are we?"
Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"
