Golf Jokes — worst jokes

Three men are golfing. There is Jesus, Moses and an old man.

They've been pretty evenly matched until they arrive at the 11 hole to find a huge water trap. Moses tees up, and smacks that ball right out into the middle of the trap. Without a second thought he parts the water, hits the ball and gets it on the fairway, one stroke from the green. Then Jesus tees up. He smacks his ball right into the middle of the water trap. Without a second thought he walks out on the water, and hits that ball right onto the green. Finally the old man tees up. He hits the ball into the water trap. A fish swims up from the bottom of the trap with the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, picks up the fish and carries it over the hole, where the fish drops the ball and it plops into the hole. Jesus looks at the old man as Moses pencils another 1 in the old man's card. "Alright Dad, stop showing off"!

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:

• Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
• Form a loose grip.
• Keep your head down.
• Avoid a quick backswing.
• Stay out of the water.
• Try not to hit anyone.
• If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
• Don't stand directly in front of others.
• Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
• Don't take extra strokes.

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, "Is anyone here a doctor."

One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?"

- I've been stung by a bee.

- Oh really, where?

- Between the first and second hole

- Well, first of all, your stance is too wide...

"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season."

"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker."

"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight!"

- Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?

- Well, I suppose so.

- Would you and he sleep in the same bed?

- I guess we would.

- Would you make love to him?

- He would be my husband then, dear.

- Would you give him my golf clubs?

- No...

He's left handed.

One day a priest and a nun went golfing.

The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy putt. He shouted, "Damn, missed again."

The nun, shocked, warned him "God will get you for that."

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed "Damn It! Missed again" the nun repeated her warning "God will get you for that!"

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, A bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out "Damn It! Missed again!".

Ok this idiot of the first order is invited for a game of golf for the first time, while in another country.

He's totally enamoured with the golf ball because he's never seen anything like it before so he carries like, 30 of them back home to give away as souveniers.

While passing through the customs on his way back, the customs officer who's perhaps a bigger idiot than this guy, notices his pockets bulging with all these golf balls and can't figure it out. So he asks our man, "What the hell is all this?!"

To which he replies, "Oh they're just golf balls."

So the customs officer goes, "Oh oh! You mean like tennis elbow?"

A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house.

The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp.

The husband asks: "Did we break that too?"

"Yes", replies the man.

"Sorry. Do you live here?" the husband asks.

"No, actually, I'm a genie." The man states. "I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I'm supposed to give you three wishes, but I'm keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, what'll they be?"

The husband thinks a moment: "First, make my wife a better golfer."

"Poof! She's a better golfer", the genie announces.

"Second, I want a million bucks a week for life."

"Poof! you get a million bucks a week", the genie announces.

"Good. OK, what do you want?" asks the husband.

"For my wish. I want to have my way with your pretty wife," grins the genie.

"Hmmm", the husband hesitated, "I guess that's all right. After all, she broke your lamp, you've made us rich, and our golf games will be much more interesting. Go ahead."

So the genie and the wife retire the bedroom. After several steamy hours the "genie" says to the wife: "How long have you known your husband?"

"Ten years," she replies.

"How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects."

"Well, we were married for 25 years!"