Golf Jokes — most viewed jokes

Three duffers were out golfing with the club pro one day. The first duffer teed off and hit a dribbler about 60 yards. He turned to the pro and asked, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro replied, "Loft."

The next golfer teed off and duck hooked the ball into the woods. He asked the pro the same question.

The pro again answered, "Loft."

The third teed off and sliced into a pond. He too asked the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

Again, "Loft."

As they were walking down the fairway, the first duffer finally spoke up to the pro.

"All three of us hit completely different tee shots and yet when we asked you what we did wrong, you gave the same exact answer every time. So what does Loft mean?"

The pro shook his head and said, "Lack of Friggin' Talent!"

What's the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
→ When a golfer lies he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it!

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is anyone interested in a little wager?" he said, flashing some large bills around. "I've got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!"

Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, "I gotta see this!" he said. "You know, what? I'll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee."

When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest. Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green -- 6 inches from the cup.

The pro was astonished. "That's incredible!" he exclaimed. "How did you train him to hit the ball like that!"

"There's no need for me to tee off. I couldn't beat him with a stick. Here's your money."

As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, "Oh, by the way, how does he putt?"

The trainer responded, "Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time."

Did you hear about the local country club that was determined to be politically correct?

Instead of saying the golfers have handicaps, they say they're stroke-challenged!

Two Men were leaving church on a bright Sunday morning. "You know," said the first friend, "I can always tell who the golfers are in church."

"How's that?" asked his friend.

"It's easy," he said. "Just look at who is praying with an interlocking grip."

What are the four worst words you could hear during a round of golf?
→ It's still your turn!

Amateur golfer: someone who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging and once again after swinging.
Oxymoron: an easy par three.
A hack: when your divot flies further than your ball.
Bad golfer: someone who can take strokes off his game only with an eraser.
Duffer: the only guy in the world who has an unplayable lie when he tees up.
Mexican hat dance: lots of spike marks around the hole.
In jail: deep in the trees with no shot out.
Worm burner: a shot going a long way on the ground.

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.

And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."