Food Jokes — worst jokes

Martha Stewart vs Me...

Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

Martha's way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.
My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

Martha's way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Martha's way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Martha's way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Martha's way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?

Martha's way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Martha's way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Martha's way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

• Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
• Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
• Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
• Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.

It suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle.

A few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew.

They found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew.

They searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief nods and simply says, "Yes...seen plane crash".

When asked where the crew was, the Cheif replyed, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!"

The Rescue crew was shocked. Another man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi!"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Peps!"

Finally, another rescuer had to ask, "Did you..you know...eat their...things?"

The cheif says, "NO, you idoit!"... even cannibals know that...

"THINGS go better with Coke!"

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked, "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again, "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?"

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy, "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much."

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

You're drinking too much coffee when...

• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
• You speed walk in your sleep.
• You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
• You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
• You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
• Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
• You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• Cocaine is a downer.
• All your kids are named "Joe."
• You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
• Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet n Low."
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You buy milk by the barrel.
• You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
• You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
• People can test their batteries in your ears.
• Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• When someone says, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
• You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
• You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
• You get drunk just so you can sober up.
• You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
• Your Thermos is on wheels.
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You have a conniption over spilled milk.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
• You don't tan, you roast.
• You don't get mad, you get steamed.
• Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
• Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
• You can't even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
• You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
• You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Top twenty things to do at a drive-thru:

• Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
• Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
• Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
• Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
• Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
• Order in another language.
• Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
• When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
• Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
• Ask how they fit into that little box.
• If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
• Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"
• When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can't I take yours?"
• If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
• Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
• Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
• Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
• Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
• When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
• Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
• Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

The top 10 least desirable fortunes in a fortune cookie:

• We know where you live.
• You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
• Everyone's meal today is on you!
• The "special sauce" came from the floor!
• Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
• Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
• A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
• Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.
• See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
• MSG? NO!!
• Ebola Virus....maybe

Least popular Halloween handouts:

• Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
• Teeth removing Taffy
• Metamucil in a straw
• Ex-Lax Brownies
• Caramel Covered Zucchini
• Colored Crisco on a Stick
• Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
• Chocolate Covered Prunes
• A Handful of Red Man
• Anything that ticks!

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"