Ethnic — worst jokes

Top reasons why it's great to be Canadian:

• It beats being an American.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
• You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
• Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
• A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
• Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
• Own-an-eskimo scheme.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian:

• In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
• Unembarrassed to wear fur.
• No need to worry about tax returns
• Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d.
• Can wear sunglasses inside
• Political stability
• Flexible working hours
• Live near the Pope
• Country run by Sicilian murderers

Top ten reasons why it's great to be American:

• You can have a woman president without electing her
• You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
• You can call Budweiser beer
• You can be a crook and still be president
• If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
• If you can breathe you can get a gun
• You can invent a new public holiday every year
• You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
• You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
• You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
• You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.

Top reasons why it's great to be French:

• Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
• You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
• If there's a war you can surrender really early
• You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
• You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
• You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
• Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
• People think you're a great lover even when you're not

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written ", , . Two with meatballs, one without."

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba.."

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

A Polish student was in his the college campus bookstore. Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded, "This book will do half the job for you."

"Good," the Polack replied, "I'll take two."

A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away..". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. Again, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it..