Dumb Jokes — worst jokes

Some good put-downs...ya' never know when you'll need one!

I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you --it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person.

Are your parents cousins?

Your teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter.

Nice face...what are you going to do when the baboon wants his ass back?

Oh my God, look at you! Anyone else hurt in the accident?

What other problems do you have besides being unemployed, a moron and a dork?

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

The top 10 inventions by Blondes:

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag

If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:

• "You could do worse."
• "I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there."
• "I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start."
• "You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason."
• "If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last."
• "That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault."
• "I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't"
• "I can go all day without peeing once."
• "If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me."
• "If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath."
• "I won't sue you when you fire me."
• "My arrest record is all a bunch of lies."
• "Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job?"
• "I was a sniper in the Army."
• "The only reason my grades in High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didn't pass the tests. They wasn't being fair to me because they don't like me."
• "I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner."
• "If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to."
• "I'll need a company car and a driver because I can't legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there."
• "If you hire me don't tell the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off."
• "The sticky stuff on my sleeve isn't what you think."
• "You don't have the BALLS to hire someone like me!"
• "If you hire me I will show up. That's all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try."
• "When do we eat?"
• "How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again?"
• "Don't go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was 18."
• "I don't hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!!"
• "If you give me a job you're OK but if you don't you suck."
• "I don't DO applications."
• "If I work here I'll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want."
• "This will be my first job since the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off!"
• "I won't have to do anything, will I"
• "If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke?"
• "Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?"
• "I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?"
• "I'm not what? Oh yeah? Well here's what you can do with your friggin' job..."

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

Where are the germs that cause "good" breath?

Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?

Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?

Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?

Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?

Why do people tell you when they are speechless?

Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?

What kind of drugs are mail carriers not tested for?
→ SPEED!

A stitch in time saves nine. Nine what?

Are there any unguided missiles?

Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?

How can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Do fat people go skinny-dipping or do they call it fat-dipping?

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

Do hummingbirds hum because they don't know the words?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

When they asked George Washington for his ID, did he just whip out a quarter?

Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?

Does that screwdriver really belong to Phillip?

How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?

If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?

If I save time, when do I get it back?

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

Why do your feet smell and your nose runs?

Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic...shouldn't they already know you're coming?

Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why don't they just use fattest man in the world for a hockey goalie?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
→ Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
→ She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
→ She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
→ She threw it off a cliff.

How do blonde brain cells die?
→ Alone.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
→ Tell her she's pregnant.

What will she ask you?
→ "Is it mine?"

What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
→ Third grade.

What did the blonde get on her IQ test?
→ Saliva.

What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
→ A dope ring.