Dumb Jokes — worst jokes

Thoughts from a school teacher:

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away and you have his shoes.
2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
6. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
8. I have found at my age, going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
9. I was thinking about how people read the Bible a whole lot more when they get older. Then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.
10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should put "A very good doctor."

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager...

"Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

What do you call an eternity?
→ Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
→ Toes Go In First

Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left." So they turned around and went home.

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
→ You always hear about them but never see them.

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
→ Oh, look, Daddy....doughnut seeds!

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
→ Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
→ They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?
→ It has a stamp on it.

Why can't blondes dial 911?
→ They can't find the 11 on the phone.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
→ Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a blonde's been using your computer?
→ There is white-out all over the monitor.

Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
→ It takes too long to retrain them.

A blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said, "Oh, look at the dead bird." The blonde looked skyward and said, "Where? Where?"

How do you drown a blonde?
→ Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
→ You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
→ Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?
→ Took her a month to figure out she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey team?
→ They drowned during spring training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
→ "Duh! Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!"

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
→ Tell her a joke on Tuesday.

Why are blonde's boobs always square?
→ Because they forget to take the kleenex out of the box.

• On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place" (why...a duh!)
• On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (ah-ha! So that's what happened to my little sister!)
• On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (oh sure...now they tell me!)
• On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (aye matey...but the sharks love 'em!)
• On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
• On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
• On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (well that's just great...now what do I use!)
• On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2- shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97. (now you know WHY there was a Y2K bug!)
• On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
• On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (he-he... I gotta try this one!)
• On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
• On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
• On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (hmmm... I think I'll test this one out on my nephews :)

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move "26 cars", return to class."

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
→ The cow stepped on her.

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
→ Frosted Flakes!

What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
→ Data transfer.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
→ "I wonder if it's mine?"

How do you confuse a blonde?
→ Give her a package of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
→ Because she read that one child out of every four born, was Chinese.

Why did the blonde lose her job as an elevator operator?
→ She couldn't learn the route.

Why did the blonde drive around the block fifty-seven times?
→ Her turn signal was stuck.

Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
→ She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

Why are the Japanese so smart?
→ No blondes.

Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth.

Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?

Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.

Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.

Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.

Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."

These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included.

• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
• Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
• Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
• Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
• Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
• Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
• Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
• Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
• Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
• Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

• If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
• Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
• What do chickens think we taste like?
• What do people in China call their good plates?
• What do you call a male ladybug?
• What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
• If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids?"
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey's and apes?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a "s" in it?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?