Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

- That's a lovely car - said the mechanic.

- What seems to be the matter?

- Well, it just conked out I'm afraid.

- Let me have look.

He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

- Thank goodness - she said.

- What was the matter?

- Simple really, just crap in the carburetor - he replied.

Looking shocked she asked:

- Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say:

- You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them:

- I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man:

- How could sandals make you into a sex freak?

The Pakistani man replied:

- Just try them on.

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming:

- YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!.

One day a boy approached his mother with a question:

- Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?

His mother, very surprised, replies:

- Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight.

The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...:

- Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.

The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying:

- What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park.

The man said:

- But officer this is my wife.

The officer said:

- Oh, I didn't know she was your wife.

The man said:

- Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two...but I don't know how they'd get in there!

Where does Bill Clinton have sex?
→ In the oral office.

Don't try to understand the theory of relativity.

Relativity is like an erection - the more you think about it, the harder it gets.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale:

- Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female:

- lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

- Look - she said.

- I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and homely looking woman.

- Screw me or climb the ladder to success - she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.

- Screw me or climb the ladder to success - she said.

- Well - thought the man.

- might as well carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was really hot.

- Screw me now or climb the ladder to success - she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, everything he could want.

- Screw me or climb the ladder to success - she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his crotch.

- Who are you? - the man asked.

- Hello - said the ugly fat man said.

- my name's Cess!

What does a smart man do with 365 used rubbers??
→ Makes it a tire and calls it a Good Year.