Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

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Sneezing On A Plane

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom...so the man stands up to let her out.

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her:

- You keep sneezing, what's the problem?

The woman replies:

- I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.

He says:

- Oh... what are you taking for it?

She says:

- Pepper.

The Leprechaun

A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He can't help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has.

He says to the short man:

- Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice what a large penis you have.

The short man replies:

- I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes.

The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway.

- OK - He says - I want to live in a mansion.

The short man replies:

- Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it.

The man says:

- Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend.

- OK - the short man replies - Tomorrow you will wake up next to her.

The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues.

- I want a penis as large as yours.

- Alright, but there is one catch - the short man replies.

- What's that - the man asks?

- I have to have sex with you from behind - the short man says.

The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is worth getting a penis that large.

- OK, go right ahead.

The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says:

- I can't believe I'm gonna have a penis as big as yours.

The short man replies:

- I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!

Nowhere, Vermont

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says:

- Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come.

- Great - replies Sam.

- After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me.

As Enoch is leaving, he stops.

- Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'.

- Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them.

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops.

- More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too.

Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself.

- Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again.

Once again, Enoch turns from the door:

- I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.

- Now that is not a problem - Sam says.

- I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.

- By the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says...:

- Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there.

Government Study

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Wipe With A Dollar

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said:

- That was fast.

- Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with.

The other answers:

- That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.

- O.K. - he says as he goes back over to the bush.

Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says:

- That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get shit all over me, I've got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!

Parents Upstairs

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place.

- You can't make any noise - she warns him.

- My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder.

- I have to go - he says.

- Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom - she replies.

- Use the kitchen sink.

So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks...:

- Do you have any toilet paper?