Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Why don't Blondes use vibrators anymore?
→ Because they keep chipping their teeth !!!

How did Dairy Queen (U.S. restaurant) get Pregnant?
→ Burger King showed her it's Whopper.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
→ Well Hung.

Vito and Vladimir

There were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.

- Vladimir: Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?

- Vito: Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public.

- Vladimir: OK. It's a deal.

- Vito: You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around.

- Vladimir: That's it? I can do that.

The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women . . . and men began to notice him. "It's working, he thought." But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.

He rushed over to Vito and asked:

- Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?

- Vito: Because you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!

"Bloody Stump" by: Rusty Zipper
"Sliding Down a Flagpole" by: Dick Burns
"Brown Spots on the Wall" By: Whoflung Dung

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

She asks the boy:

- What are they doing?

He says:

- They're making love.

- Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there? - she asked.

- Oh, uh, that's his rope - he answered.

- Well, what are those two round things on the other end? - she asked.

He says:

- Those are his knots.

She says:

- Oh, ok, I got it.

As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says:

- I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.

Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.

While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.

- Whoa, what are you doing?! - he shouts.

The girl innocently replies:

- I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says:

- All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?

Everyone is understandably silent.

He then, chugs back another beer and says:

- All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?

Everyone is silent, again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.

- You got a problem, buddy?

- No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says:

- Father, I never wear panties under my habit.

The priest chuckles and says:

- That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar.

What is a blonde's way of having safe sex?
→ Locking the car doors!

Bill's Song

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the movie "The Sound of Music"

The Bill Clinton version:

My Favorite Things

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things