Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said:

- I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

His dad smiled and asked:

- So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?

Johnny replied:

- I think I got a fuckin' dog but I can't find the son of a bitch.

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked:

- What are those for?

The elderly gentleman replied:

- There are just two things I can't stand... the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!

This guy woke up one morning and saw his girlfriend with coat on and her bags packed. He said:

- What are you doing?

She said:

- I'm leaving you because I heard you were a pedofile.

And the guy responded:

- Pedofile! That's a pretty big word coming from a twelve year old!

What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?
→ A Lickalotapuss!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves when the little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says:

- Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.

The grandfather smiles:

- I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather, impressed with his grandson's ingenuity, hands him five dollars ... then grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says:

- Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars?

The grandfather replies:

- Yes, I know. But that's from your grandma!

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

- Ah - said the doctor

- Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode.

- Oh - said Her Majesty.

- Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable.

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

- Goodness Gracious! - shrieked Her Majesty

- I demand an explanation of this kind of sordid goings- on!

- Ah - said the Doctor

- same problem - better health plan.

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says:

- I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day.

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey -- throws his glass on the floor and says:

- I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine.

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says...:

- I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat!

Some years ago, on Times Square in NYC, I observed a native American, in full Indian regalia, feather head dress, buckskin clothes, etc.

As a pretty woman would walk by, he would raise his right hand, in an Indian greeting, and say:

- Wanna.

I watched this ritual for about 20 minutes, and I became more curious as he kept making these greetings. Finally, I couldn't resist any longer. I went up to the native American, and said:

- I have been watching you, and I am confused. I thought that Indians say "How."

He turned to me, obviously quite annoyed, and said...:

- ME KNOW HOW...

ME TRYING TO FIND WOMAN WHO WANNA!!

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass.

Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window.

- Young lady - he began, I would like three pickets to titsburg...

Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached.

- Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg - he began, and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.

So of course he also fled.

Then came the third.

- Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say - he continued, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!

There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.

The celery was like:

- Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!

Then the carrot was like:

- You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!

Then the dick said:

- Ya, well I got it the worst.

They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!