Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

A kid, just getting home from school runs up to his dad:

- Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that can count to ten. Why do you rec'un so?

- Why that's because your from Kentucky son. - The dad responses.

The next day the kid gets home from school:

- Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that knows all the letters in the alphabet. Why do you rec'un so?

- That's because you're from Kentucky son. - The dad tells him again.

The next day the kid busts through the door:

- Daddy. daddy! I'm the only one in school who has a large penis, is that because I'm from Kentucky?

The dad looks at him and says:

- No that's because you're 22.

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says:

- What about that little stable over there? What's that for?

- Well - says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment:

- you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence:

- PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point.

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon.

- Tell me, is the camel free this afternoon - the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear.

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative:

- How about I schedule you in for 2:00?

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

- Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?

What does a bee do with it's stinger before he goes to bed???
→ He put's it in his honey!!

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.

They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape, Eva applies another iron.

- I can't spend eternity like that - says Clinton.

- Show me something else.

Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper."

Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.

Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more.

- I can't spend eternity like that, either - says Clinton.

- Show me something better.

Satan takes Bill to the last door.

Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex. Bill smiles.

- Yes! - he shouts.

- that's for me.

Satan smirks and says:

- Good choice, Mr. President.

He looks down at Monica and says:

- You can get up now, Honey. We've finally found your replacement!

This Cowboy is riding the range when he gets ambushed by some indians. They take him back to their villiage to see the chief. The Chief looks at the cowboy and says:

- You White man, you will die at sundown, but Chief is not as evil as white man, so you gettum three wishes. What is your first wish?

The cowboy looks around, thinks, then, with a gulp, says:

- well, can i talk to my horse o' great chief?

The Chief looks puzzled, laughs to his tribe and says:

- he-he, sure white man you can talk to your horse.

So the cowboy goes to his horse and wispers in it's ear, the horse looks puzzled, but then with bright eyes it gallops off in a cloud of dust. The Indians just sit and laugh at the cowboy for wasting his wish. BUT, all of a sudden the horse returns with a Blonde riding upon its back. The indians look amazed. The chief grins, points to a secluded Teepee. The cowboy now looks embarrassed, so he takes the blonde and goes into the teepee. An hour later he comes out and says:

- Chief, can i talk to my horse again?

The chief says sure, but that be wish number two. Ok says the cowboy.

The cowboys goes to the horse and once again wispers into it's ear, and with a gallop the horse is off!... 15 minutes later, the horse returns, this time having a Brunnette aboard. Once again the cowboy is shown the secluded teepee.

An hour later the cowboy comes out, obivously tired now, with only a few hours left before sundown. He looks to the chief, and before he says a word, the chief grins and says:

- Sure crazy white man you can talk to your horse..

So the cowboy goes to the horse and GRABS him by the ear and yells:

- LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,...

- I SAID - GO GET A POSSE!!!

The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didn't want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.

- Father, - the young couple asked ... is it ok to have sex before Mass?

The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection ...:

- yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don't block the aisles...

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.

When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask:

- Why the spoons?

- Well, our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift. - he explained.

Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.

- I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip, - he proudly explained.

I was impressed:

- Thanks. I had to ask.

- No problem, - he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.

My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask:

- Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?

- Oh, yeah - he began in a quieter tone.

- Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too.

- How's that? - I asked.

- You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh. . ., selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!

- Oh, that makes sense, - I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked:

- Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?

- Well, I don't know about the other guys; but I use the spoon in my pocket! - he whispered.

What happened to Chelsea Clinton's younger brother?
→ Monica swallowed him!

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

- So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?

- Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.

- That's very interesting, - replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

- So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?

- Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.

- That's very interesting, - replies the researcher.

- That's how they do it in Cornwall too. And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

- So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?

- Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders.

- Over your shoulders? - replies the researcher.

- Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?

- What? - says the farmer.

- And miss out on all the kissing?!

Why are Blondes like railroad tracks?
→ Because they are famous for getting laid all over the world!!!