Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood. He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries. She says, "Well, what did you do for love?" He says, "Love? What's that?" She says, "I'll show you." She shows him. Then she shows him again. Then she shows him one more time. When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?" He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

Did you know there are serial number on condoms.........

No?.

I guess you didn't roll them down far enough.

Why do women fake orgasms?
→ Because men fake foreplay.

A neighbor of mine, Myron, in his mid-50's, had a relatively minor heart attack, and while he was in the hospital, he complained to his cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was over. The cardiologist said:

- Not true, Myron. Sex is wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'll be the best thing you can do for your recovery.

So after his discharge (from the hospital), Myron tells his wife what the doctor had said. His wife looked at him and told him:

- That's wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. The other says, "I just wish it were dark."

- Patient: Doctor I'm having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick to my stomach.

- Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.

Patient sticks out his tongue...

Did you hear about the call girl who accidentally made two appointments at the same time?
→ She managed to squeeze them both in.

Aspirin makes a great contraceptive. Just hold it between your knees.

There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said:

- Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest said:

- Confess your sins and be forgiven.

The young woman said:

- Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.

The priest thought long and hard and then said:

- Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it.

The young woman asked:

- Will this cleanse me of my sins?

The priest said:

- NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face.