Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

- Woman: Slow down, foreplay is an art.

- Man: Well, if you don't get your canvas arranged soon, I'm going to spill my paint!

A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistible urge to fuck in the mud...

The clerk showed the man the store's most expensive perfume.

- This is called 'Perhaps' - said the sales clerk.

- It's $285 per ounce.

- Listen, for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called...

- You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some !! - the man shot back.

Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles. They have their penis' in a snow bank.

Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says:

- Boys! Boys! Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis' away.

The tallest altar boy turns around and yells:

- Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes a couple cold ones after work....

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said:

- Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.

The other hooker looked at her and said:

- No, I just burped.

What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?
→ 20 class rings fell out.

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam:

- On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they...

- Man: Say no more! Lead me to the third floor.

- Madam: Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses.

- Man: It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it.

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says:

- I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.

She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.

After a couple of minutes comes back and says:

- It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.

She replies:

- You mean it shows that, too?

How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
→ She unties you.