Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

- It's a period - reported Johnnie.

- Well I can see that - she said.

- But what is so exciting about a period.

- Damned if I know - said Johnnie.

- But this morning my sister said she missed one....

Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person:

- How much are the washer and dryer?

- Five dollars for both of them - the salesman said.

- Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me! - the man replied sarcastically.

- No, that's the price - the salesman said.

- Do you want to buy them or not?

- Yeah, I'll take them! - the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.

- How much? - he asked.

- Five dollars for the system - the salesman answered.

- Is it stolen? - the guy asks.

- No - said the salesman.

- It's brand new, do you want it or not?

- Sure - the customer replied.

He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor.

- How much?

- Five dollars - was the familiar response.

- I'll take that too! - the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him:

- Why are your prices so cheap?

The salesman said:

- Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

- What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!

MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and pretty.

One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room she said:

- Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?

He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked:

- By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?

The secretary who was quite witty said:

- Why no Mr. Smith.

- All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend:

- My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yells:

- Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!

A rather attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

- Are you the owner? - she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

- Actually, no - he replies. I'm just the manager.

- Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him. - she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

- I'm afraid I can't - breathes the manager - clearly aroused, he's in the back doing some work right now. Is there anything I can do?

- Yes there is. I need you to give him a message. - she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

- Tell him - she says - that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room!

I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day.

He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.

My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.

I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.

Sure enough, he said that I had three times the "normal length" of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.

I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery -- provided that I didn't play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.

Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.

Then I asked him what had become of the "rest" of me.

He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it...and watched it duck hook two fairways away...

A Priest, a Nun, and a Camel are crossing the desert.

The camel falls dead.

- Before I die - the father says - I would like to see a woman naked.

So the nun takes off all her clothes.

She then says:

- Before I die I would like to see a man naked.

So the father takes off his clothes. She looks at his penis and says:

- My God!! What is that for?

He says:

- You stick it in a hole and it brings forth life.

The nun replies:

- Then how about you stick it up that camels ass and let's get the hell out of here!

Which condom would you use....

- Nike Condoms: Just do it.

- Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

- Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

- Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

- Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

- Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

- Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

- Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

- Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

- Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

- Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

- New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

- California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

- Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

- KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

- Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

- Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

- Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

- The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

- General Electric: We bring good things to life!

- AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

- Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

- Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

- Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

- M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

- Chevron: use them? people do.

- Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

- MCI: for friends and family

- Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

- The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

- Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

- United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

- The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

- Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

- Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

- Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

- Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

- McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

- Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

- Burger King: Have it your way

- Dairy Queen: We treat you right

- AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat.

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat.

He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat.

The Barman was curious about this and said:

- I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?

The man replied:

- I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish.

- What did you wish for? - said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said:

- You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says:

- That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:

- Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?