Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
Atheism: No shit.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

- Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.

- ONE CENT - that's awesome! - exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks:

- Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?

- Certainly, sir - replies the bartender.

- but all that comes to real money.

- How much money? - inquires the guy.

- 4 cents - replies the bartender.

- FOUR cents! - exclaims the guy...

- Where's the Guy who owns this place?

The bartender replies:

- Upstairs with my wife.

The guy says:

- What's he doing with your wife?

The bartender replies...

- Same as I'm doing to his business!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said fuck him! - he's only an egg!

Little boy blew Hey! He needed the money!

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says:

- Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank.

- But we's privates - protests Junior.

- NO, we's sergeants now - says Bubba, pulling him inside.

- Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank.

- But, we's privates - says Junior.

- You blind, boy! - says Bubba, pointing at his stripes.

- We's Sergeants now!

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

- You're cute - she says.

- and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers:

- Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign.

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

- Junior - he says.

- What you give me the okay for?!

- Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.

Then he pointed to his stripes and says:

- But we's Sergeants now!

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied:

- I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said:

- I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said:

- Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?

She replied:

- If I tell you, you'll laugh.

- No, I won't.

- Well, if you must know - she answered.

- I work for Tampax.

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said:

- See I knew you would laugh.

- That's not what I'm laughing at - he replied.

- I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said:

- No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!

Kelly limps into his favorite pub...

- My god! What happened to you? - the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

- I got in a tiff with Riley - whispered Kelly to the beertender.

- Riley? He's just a wee fellow - the barkeep said surprised.

- He must have had something in his hand.

- That he did - Kelly said.

- A shovel it was.

- Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?

- Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit. - Kelly said.

- And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.

One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled:

- Stop fucking her down there!

- What's the matter with you? - asked the husband after the sailor came back down.

- We weren't doing anything.

- Sorry - said the sailor.

- from up there it looked like you were.

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

- By golly, he's right - said the husband.

- It DOES look like they're fucking down there!

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.(why wait that long)
2. Thou shall not do drugs.(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3. Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.(Walmart has a bigger selection)
4. Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5. Thou shall not steal from your parents.(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6. Thou shall not get into fights.(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7. Thou shall not skip class.(just take the whole day off)
8. Thou shall not strip in class.(Hooters pays more)
9. Thou shall not think about having sex.(like Nike says, "just do it")
10. Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.(just leave'm in the middle)