Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.

His father said:

- Son, come here.

He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said:

- This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car.

The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.

A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.

- Well, as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter - the father said.

Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.

Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.

His dad asked:

- Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that.

The third son replied:

- Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

- Thank you - he said.

- I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.

- Dancing? I'm not dancing! - the armless man replied bitterly...

- My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said:

- Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me.

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said:

- He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.

A Dentist says open wide.

A Coal man asks:

- where do you want it, front or back?

A Decorator says:

- how do you like it now that it's up?

A Bank manager says:

- don't take it out you'll lose interest!

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says:

- Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says:

- Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says:

- You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!

- Wow! - say the other two.

- That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?

- No, but it happened to me sister! - replies the Irish guy.

Pfizer Corp (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name "Mount and Do."

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:

- It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

- A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments:

- See! That was more than 5 times a month!

The second bull is to be sold:

- Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.

Again the wife bugs her husband:

- Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale:

- And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells:

- That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back:

- Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!

The teacher says:

- Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said:

- Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Teacher says:

- Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said:

- Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.

Teacher says:

- Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn.

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said:

- Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...'Beautiful, just fuckin' BEATUIFUL!'

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
21. I can see the gun of Navarone.
22. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
23. You've got Windows on your laptop.
24. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
25. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
26. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
27. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
28. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
29. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
30. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
31. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
32. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
33. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
34. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
35. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
36. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
37. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
38. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
39. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.

They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons.

The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian:

- What do you want on your back for your whipping?

The Canadian responds:

- I will take oil!

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.

When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican:

- What do you want on your back?

- I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man! - says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.

Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks:

- What will you take on your back?

And he responds:

- I'll take the Mexican!