Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.

- As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long!

The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.

- He also said he wants to screw me all night long!!

By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.

- He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night!!!

The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.

His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.

The boyfriend says:

- I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer!

The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.

He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz... down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says:

- I'm a dove and I've been loved!

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said:

- I'm a Lark and I've been sparked.

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.

The Duck is lying there really pissed off, and says:

- I'm a Drake and there's been a mistake!

What is the difference between a Scottish man and a member of the Rolling Stones?
→ A member of the Rolling Stones says:

- Hey you! Get off my cloud!

The Scot says:

- Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

- Well - replied the man - When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.

- Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much - said his friend.

- I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!

The groom nodded gently and said:

- I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says:

- Pierre, kiss me!

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

- What are you doing, Pierre? - says the startled Marie.

- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says:

- Pierre, kiss me lower.

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

- Pierre! What are you doing? - asks the bewildered Marie.

- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers:

- Pierre, kiss me lower!

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously:

- PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!

A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, she exclaimed:

- So, that's how you guys load those things!

Yo mama's so hairy...

• Yo mama's so hairy, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
• Yo mama's so hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her.
• Yo mama's so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a head lock.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she has afros on her nipples.
• Yo mama's so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds.
• Yo mama's so hairy, when she spreads her legs, the first thing that comes to my mind is "We're going to Bush Gardens."

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said:

- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The eyes said:

- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The hands said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The stomach said:

- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The legs said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

Then the rectum said:

- I think I should be in charge.

All the rest of the parts said:

- YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge.

So the rectum closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just be an asshole!

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says:

- I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!

The second guy says:

- I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard', and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!

The third guy says:

- You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there... every morning, I wake up with a sore dingy and an butt full of quarters!

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He tells her:

- Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said:

- Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!

A guy sitting nearby asked her:

- Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?

- Why, yes, I do. How did you know?

- Hickory dickory dock!