Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said:

- OK, lets get out and get him.

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted:

- The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?

The guy in the front says:

- Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I'd brace myself!

God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked:

- Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done. Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?

Adam raises his hand and yells:

- Me, Me, pick me!!

So God obliged.

God looks at Eve and says:

- Well, sorry Eve...but it looks like you're stuck with the multiple orgasms.

After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said:

- Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!

The Preacher replied:

- Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...

- I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!

The man said:

- I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!

The Reverend said:

- Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church!

The man said:

- Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!

And the Reverend said:

- NO SHIT?!

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife:

- Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

- Now watch - he said. Next he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said:

- Dick, at EASE!

And his dick deflated again.

- Wow, that was amazing - said his wife. - Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said:

- Now watch this.

Then he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

and the dick sprang to life.

Then it was:

- Dick, at EASE!

But nothing happened. So the guy again said:

- Dick, at EASE!

But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says:

- For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!

Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

- What in the world are you doing!? - she asked.

The guy says...

- I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked:

- Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?

- Well, yes, I actually did once.

- And how did your husband look?

- Angry, very angry.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said:

- Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

- Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?

- He was looking through the window at us!

Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to:

10. Tommy Lee's - Camp Kickachickee
11. Lorena Bobbit's - Camp Cutaweewee
12. Tanya Harding's - Camp Wackaneenee
13. Kenneth Star's - Camp Catchacrookee
14. Louis Farakahn's - Camp Killawhitey
15. O.J. Simpson's - Camp Killachickee
16. Michael Jackson's - Camp Wannabewhitey
17. President Clinton's - Camp Getahoochie
18. Ellen Degeneras's - Camp Lickacoochie

And the number one camp not to send your kid to:

1. Monica Lewinsky's - Camp Suckapeepee

And God Created Woman. And She was Good. She had 2 arms, 2 legs and 3 breasts.

And God asked the woman what she would like to have changed about herself. She asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good.

She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob? And God created Man!

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
3. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
4. To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
5. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
6. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
7. Illiterate? Write For Help
8. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong
9. Cat: The Other White Meat
10. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Take the test...

NO CHEATING!

What does: A woman do sitting down? A man do standing up? A dog do on three legs?

Got your guess ready yet?

GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

They shake hands!

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

- Oh my god, I am sooo sorry - the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

- Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him.

The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.

- You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?

- No - she replies....

- You just happened to catch my eye. (hee-hee, hoo-hoo, that was terrible!)