Computer Jokes — worst jokes

Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.

- Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?

- Abbott: Yes, that's correct.

- Costello: No, what is it?

- Abbott: Yes.

- Costello: So, which is the one?

- Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

- Costello: Stop this. Who are you?

- Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about 'yoo'.

- Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

- Abbott: Use 'what'.

- Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?

- Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.

- Costello: Which one?

- Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

- Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

- Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.

- Costello: I want to find the revision code.

- Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.

- Costello: Which command will do what I need?

- Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

- Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.

- Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.

- Costello: Write what?

- Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

- Costello: Cut that out!

- Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.

- Costello: Do you always do this?

- Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.

- Costello: HELP!

- Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

- Costello: You make me angry.

- Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once.

- Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

- Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.

- Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

- Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

- Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

- Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.
11. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
12. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker--a first.
13. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
14. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.
15. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
16. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats.
17. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
18. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.
19. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.

CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471

In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.

RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:

1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.
2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.
3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.
4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.
5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.
6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.
7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.

Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
11. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
12. The six front keys have rotted out.
13. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
14. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
15. The password is "Huntin".
16. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
17. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
18. The keyboard is camouflaged.
19. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

ORIGAMI
Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can't even get it out of the drive?

SMOKE
Use cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.

PIRANHAS
If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of "caring" for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.

MAGNETS
They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.

MAIL
Put a disk in an envelope and don't write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and that's all.

MAGIC TOUCH
Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.

DON'T USE ANY ENVELOPE
Archive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.

DON'T MAKE BACKUPS
Of course, if you don't have any security copy, you won't have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original.

SUPREME STUPIDITY
It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you'll find new methods to add to this list.

Are you a tehcnical geek?

Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.

You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .

• When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"
• When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
• When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
• When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".
• When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."
• When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
• When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
• When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.
• When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.
• When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.
• When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.
• When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.
• When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."
• When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

• Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
• Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
• Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
• Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
• Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
• Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
• Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
• Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
• Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
• Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
• Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
• Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
• Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
• Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
• Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
• Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
• Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
• Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
• Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
• Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
• Rom - Where the pope lives.
• Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
• Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
• Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
• Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut--you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.

If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Shift to the left, shift to the right!

Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!