Computer Jokes — worst jokes

Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:

- Support: Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

- Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

- Support: What sort of trouble?

- Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

- Support: Went away?

- Customer: They disappeared.

- Support: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

- Customer: Nothing.

- Support: Nothing?

- Customer: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

- Support: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

- Customer: How do I tell?

- Support: Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?

- Customer: What's a sea-prompt?

- Support: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

- Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

- Support: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

- Customer: What's a monitor?

- Support: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

- Customer: I don't know.

- Support: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

- Customer: ...... Yes, I think so.

- Support: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

- Customer: ...... Yes, it is.

- Support: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

- Customer: No.

- Support: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

- Customer: ...... Okay, here it is.

- Support: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

- Customer: I can't reach.

- Support: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

- Customer: No.

- Support: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

- Customer: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark.

- Support: Dark?

- Customer: Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

- Support: Well, turn on the office light then.

- Customer: I can't.

- Support: No? Why not?

- Customer: Because there's a power outage.

- Support: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

- Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

- Support: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

- Customer: Really? Is it that bad?

- Support: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

- Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

- Support: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity: A. Minor _ B. Minor _ C. Minor _ D. Trivial _
5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up _ B. Frozen _ C. Hung _ D. Strange Smell _
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes _ No _
7. Is it turned on? Yes _ No _
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes _ No _
9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who knows all about computers. Try to fix it for you? Yes _ No _
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __
12. Have you read the manual? Yes _ No _
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe _ No _
14. Are you absolutely you've read the manual? No __
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes _ No _
16. If Yes, then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
18. If you answered nothing, then explain why you were logged in?
19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes _ No _
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes _ What's a VCR? _
21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies? Yes _ No _
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes _ No _
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes _ No _
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes _ No _
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes _ No _
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes _ Not Yet _
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes __

Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:

1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way NOW!
6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
10. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting radios in all its models.

Top ten ways the Internet could get worse

10. Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.
11. "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.
12. Home shopping "network".
13. Netrek corporate sponsorships. Out: Orion, Pollux, Klingus. In: Planet Bud, Toyota Prime, Intelworld.
14. Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.
15. Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".
16. Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.
17. Gameboy web browsers.
18. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE:

1. Two words: "Microsoft Network"

COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:
As depicted in movies,

• Word processors never display a cursor.
• You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
• All monitors display inch-high letters.
• High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
• Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").
• All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
• Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
• All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
• People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
• A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
• Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others).
• Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds.
• Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
• When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
• If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
• No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into.
• All application software is usable by all computer platforms
• The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
• Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.
• Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
• Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").

Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms

• IBM: I Blame Microsoft / Idiots Buy Me / Idiots Building Machines / I'll Buy Macintoshes / It Bit Me / It Built Microsoft / It's Better Manually / I've Been Mislead / I've Been Mugged
• WINDOWS: Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed / When I Need Data Output Without Speed / While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation / Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
• WIN: Whoppingly Immense NOP Worm Infestation Netware
• MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT: My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology / Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally
• WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan

Different Operating Systems Expectations

• Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get
• MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It
• UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno
• VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not

Random Abbreviations for Many Computer Companies

• APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
• DEC: Dump Everything and Close
• DEC: Do Expect Cuts
• HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic
• HP: Hot Pursuit
• IBM: I Blame Microsoft
• MAC: Most Absurd Computer
• MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
• MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
• NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash
• OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
• WARP: What A Rot Program

Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:

• AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
• BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
• CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
• COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
• DOS: Defective Operating System
• ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
• LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
• MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
• PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
• PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
• SCSI: System Can't See It
• WWW: World Wide Wait

The Life Cycle of Software

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. See 3.
6. See 4.
7. See 5.
8. See 6.
9. See 7.
10. See 8.
11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
12. Users find 137 new bugs.
13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji.
16. Entire testing department quits.
17. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
18. New CEO is brought in by board of directors.
19. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
20. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. See step 2.

The Net is Slow

Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.

The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.

He said it said "File not found".

I told him to do a dir.

I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.

He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat."

I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".

Again he got "File not found".

I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.

He said, "I typed just what you told me: 'type autoexecdotbat'."

A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in.

When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message.

She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?"