Computer Jokes — worst jokes

New Words for the 2000s

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."

Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")

Square-headed Girlfriend - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."

Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt slogans

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2.
5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
6. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
9. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
10. <----------------The information went data way-----------
11. Best file compression around: "DEL . " = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud....... James Baud.
15. BUFFERS FILES_ 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied. Nah nah na nah nah!
17. c:\> Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
31. 11th commandemnt - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found ... Out of Memory...
36. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Press -- to continue...
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender. Insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCRS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS Secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
55. Go ahead, make my data

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend5.0 to Husband1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend5.0.

In addition, Husband1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL5.0 and NBA3.0. Conversation8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

--Desperate

Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears6.2. Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty3.0 and Flowers7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband1.0 to default to GrumpySilence2.5, Happyhour7.0 or Beer6.1.

Beer6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband1.0.

In summary, Husband1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood3.0 and Lingerie5.3.

Good Luck! Tech Support

Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...

20. Found missing
21. Resident alien
22. Airline food
23. Same difference
24. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
26. Alone together
27. Business ethics
28. Sweet sorrow
29. Military intelligence
30. Plastic glasses
31. Terribly pleased
32. Definite Maybe
33. Pretty Ugly
34. Computer Security
35. Political science
36. Diet ice cream
37. Working vacation
38. Exact estimate
39. Microsoft Works

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return."

Someone else chimed in: "Yes, Return"

Unfortunately, the software worked...

How can you tell that your blonde secretary has been typing on your computer?
→ White-out on the screen!

How can you tell she's made the corrections?
→ She wrote over the white out!

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

If IBM made toasters ...

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters ...

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters ...

It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If Xerox made toasters ...

You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters ...

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters ...

They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters ...

The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ...

They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters ...

It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If Sony made toasters ...

The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Fisher Price made toasters ...

"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters ...

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

ADDICTED INTERNET JUNKIE!!!!

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer...or put it in the bathroom.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.
18. You say....... "Where did the time go??"
19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
21. You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
22. You need to be pried from your computer by the jaws-of-life.
23. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this.... "BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL... ASAP".
24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and kisses.
25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
26. You're on the phone and say "BRB".
27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood-shot eyes.
28. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as - "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday, there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so, currently, only, one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not suprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week, my secretary said to me: "I'm a little nervous. I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is. I just pulled in out of MYASS."