Computer Jokes — worst jokes

Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of1901.

Why didn't the mouse cross the road?
→ It's cord wasn't long enough!

Remember when........

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead.

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. He walks up to it and sees "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue." He doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: "Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So he does.

Up pops a screen which reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields include "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."

The man enters his name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen which reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the man clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man spends some time filling it out. Then he clicks the "Submit" button.

Now he is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable; please try again later." There is a button marked "Back." He clicks it.

A new page appears. It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."

Did you hear about the new computer virus?

It's called the "Lorena Bobbit Virus".

Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!

In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity:
   (A) Minor [ ]
   (B) Minor [ ]
   (C) Minor [ ]
   (D) Trivial [ ]
5. Nature of the problem:
   (A) Locked Up [ ]
   (B) Frozen [ ]
   (C) Hung [ ]
   (D) Shot [ ]
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes [ ] No [ ]
7. Is it turned on? Yes [ ] No [ ]
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes [ ] No [ ]
9. Have you made it worse? Yes [ ]
10. Have you read the manual? Yes [ ] No [ ]
11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes [ ] No [ ]
12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No [ ]
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes [ ] No [ ]
14. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
17. If 'nothing' explain why you were logged in.
18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes [ ] No [ ]
19. How does this problem make you feel?
20. Tell me about your childhood.
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes [ ] No [ ]
22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes [ ]

• Windows - A danger zone for Fido.
• Modem - A good way to get rid of weeds.
• Mouse - Something the cat chases.

In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "THINK!"

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "THOAP!"

A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each member of his staff as a New Years gift, was so alarmed when all 50 of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post, a newspaper said Thursday.

The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the accident happened, the Fakty daily reported.

"With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly burst out screeching.

The businessman's fright was such that he simply let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a lamp post."

After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read: "Congratulations on a successful purchase!"

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

• For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day
• Every time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on
• Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you'd have to reinstall the engine
• Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats
• MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5 per cent of the roads
• The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light
• New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt
• The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off
• Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna
• GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more (Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department)
• Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car
• You'd press the start button to shut off the engine"