Christmas Jokes — worst jokes

Signs You're Sick of the Holidays

8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes
9. You're serving reindeer pot pie
10. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
11. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun
12. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.
13. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies
14. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears
15. Two words: tinsel rash

Ten signs you're not getting a Christmas bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
11. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
12. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
13. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
14. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"
15. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
16. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
17. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
18. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times
19. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

Department Store Santa Peeves

8. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.
9. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
10. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"
11. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask
12. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School
13. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
14. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam
15. Two words: lap rash

8. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
10. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers
11. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
12. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.
13. It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.
14. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
15. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

The similarities between Santa and System Admins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
10. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
11. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.
12. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
13. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list
14. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
15. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
→ Santa Clues!

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
→ Now thats what you call pot luck!

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday?
→ Freeze a jolly good fellow!

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
→ Santapplause!

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
→ Santa Jaws!

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden?
→ Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas?
→ Because they both have "Sandy claws"!

What does Father Christmas call his money?
→ Iced lolly?

What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents?
→ Santa pause!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Wenceslas

- Wenceslas who?

- Wenceslas train home?

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Snow

- Snow who?

- Snow business like show business!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Wayne

- Wayne who?

- Wayne in a manger...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Donut

- Donut who?

- Donut open till Christmas!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Oakham

- Oakham who?

- Oakham all ye faithfull...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Avery

- Avery who?

- Avery merry Christmas!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Holly

- Holly who?

- Holly-days are here again!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Rudolph

- Rudolph who?

- Money is the Rudolph of all evil!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Igloo

- Igloo who?

- Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Mary

- Mary who?

- Mary Christmas!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
→ It's Christmas, Eve!

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day?
→ Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve!

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
→ The letter "D"!

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
→ Santa Claustrophobia!

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
→ Black mail!

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents?
→ Santa Paws!

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
→ Because it soots him!

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
→ Elephanta Claus!

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down?
→ Stacks!

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve?
→ Because he's Sooty!

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
→ She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
→ Ice caps!

What's an ig?
→ An eskimo's home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
→ Icebergers!

Where do snowmen go to dance?
→ Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around?
→ By iceicle!

What sort of ball doesn't bounce?
→ A snowball!

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
→ You wake up wet!

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark?
→ Frost bite!

How do you call an Eskimo cow?
→ An Eskimoo!