What do elves learn in school?
→ The Elf-abet!
What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
→ "I don't like sprouts!"
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
→ Missletoe!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
→ Because he had low elf esteem.
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
→ So he can ho-ho-ho.
Where do polar bears vote?
→ The North Poll.
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
→ Ribbon hood.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
→ Because it's to far to walk.
What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
→ Forty feet of track - all straight!
What kind of bird can write?
→ A PENguin.
How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
→ On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
→ Sandy Claus!
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
→ Fleece Navidad!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
→ North Polish.
Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
→ Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
→ Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
→ Crisp Cringle.
What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
→ We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
→ Okay everyone, sack time!!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
→ Snowflakes.
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
→ A subordinate claus.
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
→ He wanted to sleep like a log.
Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
→ Because the angel had said, "No L!"
What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
→ Santa caught in a revolving door!
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
→ Because it "soots" him!
What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
→ Pour Santa flush on him.
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
→ Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
→ Claustrophobic.
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
→ Because every buck is dear to him.
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
→ Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
→ You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
→ It was wound up already.
What's a good holiday tip?
→ Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
