Christmas Jokes — worst jokes

What do you call 3 blondes under a Christmas tree?
→ Ho-Ho-Ho!

What do elves learn in school?
→ The ELF-abet.

How many reindeer does Santa have?
→ 11 (named below): Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph (the one with the red nose), Olive (all of the other reigndeer) and Al (Then Al the reigndeer loved him all).

What nationality is Santa Claus?
→ North Polish

What kind of bird can write?
→ A PEN-guin

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
→ Because it has long distance-runners on each side.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph-the red-nosed reindeer?
→ Beacuse every buck is dear to him.

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
→ Crisp Cringle

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
→ We'll have a "boo" Christmas without you.

What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
→ "OKay everyone, sack time!"

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
→ Missletoe!!!!

• SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
• MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
• DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
• NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
• MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
• PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
• PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
• OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell....
• BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
• PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me...(and then took it all away).

You think you got it bad? All night long I deal with soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross dogs, getting shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow - damn near got killed by a 747. Mrs. Clause is pissed off cause I got in so late.

Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the "runs" over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The freaking elves won't clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.

I'm so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of my sleigh. My prostate is giving me hell. I peed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze my butt to the seat. I'm allergic to pine needles. I itch all over and I think my hemorrhoids are back.

HO! HO! HO! A very MERRY CHRISTMAS,...

NOT! Santa

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and, brought practical gifts!

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks, "Santa, will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!

I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!

I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies, "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay!

I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.

"This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs." Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.

"He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."

The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

"That's fantastic," said the customer.

"And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.

Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

"Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"

When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."

He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch and listen."

He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.

"Let me try it," said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!"

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir," replied the defendant.

"Well that's not an crime," said the judge! "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," answered the prisoner.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

About two weeks before Christmas, a little Catholic boy decided to write a letter to Santa. He started "Dear Santa...", he thought "No, I will go to a higher authority", so he decided to write a letter to Jesus.

"Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas, I will be good for two weeks.."

"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for two weeks", he thought to himself.

So he started all over again...

"Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas I will be good for one week."

"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for one week", he thought to himself.

So he quickly ran to the Study room and grabbed their statue of Mary, and quickly wrapped it up in a blanket.

He started all over again.

"Dear Jesus, I have your mother...if you ever want to see her again...get me a bike for Christmas!"