At Work — worst jokes

• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it.
• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

• Accountants do it with Double Entry
• Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
• Ambulance drivers come quicker
• Australians do it Down Under
• Bach did it using the organ
• Bankers do it with interest
• Bartenders do it on the Rocks
• Batman does it using his Robin
• Bookkeepers do it for the record
• Bosses delegate the task to others
• Chess players check their Mates
• Cops do it with cuffs
• DJs do it on request
• Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
• Dentists do it orally
• Detectives do it under cover
• Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
• Elevator men do it up and down
• Engineers do it to specifications
• Engineers do it to a first order approximation
• Firemen do it with a big hose
• Frank Sinatra does it his way
• Garbagemen come twice a week
• Gardeners do it on the bushes
• Gas attendants Pump all day
• Golfers do it in 18 holes
• Landlords do it every 1st of the month
• Managers make others do it
• Marketing reps do it on commission
• Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
• Teachers do it with class
• Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
• Zoologists do it with animals

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .

- He: I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today

- She: But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear.

- He: OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?

- She: Well, the air bag works...

A gal comes in for her interview with the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive her application.

As the executive begins to scan her resume, he notices that she has been fired from every job she's ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the lady.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."

"Well," says the woman as she pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter!"

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How's that?" the would be accountant asked.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively.

"Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' work!"

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following effective sign:

This parking space belongs to the Wizard.... Violators will be toad!

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them. Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said, "don't worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor".

Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said, "no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem".

The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said, "its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine."

Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was... "Why don't we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!"

If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:

• "You could do worse."
• "I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there."
• "I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start."
• "You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason."
• "If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last."
• "That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault."
• "I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't"
• "I can go all day without peeing once."
• "If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me."
• "If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath."
• "I won't sue you when you fire me."
• "My arrest record is all a bunch of lies."
• "Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job?"
• "I was a sniper in the Army."
• "The only reason my grades in High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didn't pass the tests. They wasn't being fair to me because they don't like me."
• "I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner."
• "If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to."
• "I'll need a company car and a driver because I can't legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there."
• "If you hire me don't tell the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off."
• "The sticky stuff on my sleeve isn't what you think."
• "You don't have the BALLS to hire someone like me!"
• "If you hire me I will show up. That's all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try."
• "When do we eat?"
• "How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again?"
• "Don't go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was 18."
• "I don't hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!!"
• "If you give me a job you're OK but if you don't you suck."
• "I don't DO applications."
• "If I work here I'll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want."
• "This will be my first job since the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off!"
• "I won't have to do anything, will I"
• "If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke?"
• "Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?"
• "I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?"
• "I'm not what? Oh yeah? Well here's what you can do with your friggin' job..."

What kind of drugs are mail carriers not tested for?
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