At Work — most viewed jokes

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

- Louise - he moaned - Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?

- Even worse - she assured him in her most scornful tone. You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.

- He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!

- You did. All over his suit - Louise informed him. And he fired you.

- Well, screw him - said John.

- I did - said Louise. You're back at work on Monday.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

- All this was just too wonderful for words - he said - but what's the dollar for?

- Well - she said - last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said:

- Screw him, give him a dollar.

The blonde then said:

- The breakfast was my idea.

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

- Oh, I really don't care or mind - said the waiter with a smile.

- We don't even have an air conditioner.

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Darn! There goes another one!"

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married.

- But you just had two weeks off - said the boss.

- Why didn't you get married then ?

- What and ruin my vacation ? - she whined.

The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very loud voice:

- Free bus to the hotel Astor! On the way to the station on his first trip he kept repeating to himself:

- Free bus to the hotel Astor, Free bus to the hotel Astor, until he memorized it letter perfect. Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows:

- Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free ass at the Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your ass at the Hotel Buster, I mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel Faster, I mean, Bust your ass at the Hotel Freezer, Oh shit...take a cab.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day! (Phyllis Diller)

Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon.

She looked at me with a big smile and said:

- Oh no! Not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first.

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark Februark Mak Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!