Animal Jokes — worst jokes

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said:

- I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy.

Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? - replied the bull.

- They're packed with nutrients.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

- Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said:

- By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out:

- Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says:

- I'll have a beer - and turns to the ostrich.

- What's yours?

- I'll have a beer too - says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says:

- That will be $3.40 please - and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says:

- I'll have a beer - and the ostrich says:

- I'll have the same.

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

- The usual? - asks the bartender.

- Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch - says the man.

- Same for me - says the ostrich.

- That will be $7.20 - says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer:

- Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?

- Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there. - says the man.

- That's brilliant! - says the bartender.

- Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

- That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there - says the man.

- That's fantastic! - says the bartender.

- You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?

The man replies:

- Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.

Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder?
→ He got a little behind in his work.

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
→ They fight tooth and nail!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
→ He sold his soul to Santa.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
→ He's all right now.

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
→ She had her baby in the spring.

Have you seen Quasimodo?
→ I have a hunch he's back!

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

How do snakes end a fight?
→ They hiss and make up.

How do you clean ice off tall buildings?
→ With sky scrapers.

How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
→ Use the rear defrogger.

How do you revive a drowning rodent?
→ Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
→ From a catalog.

How you get down from an elephant?
→ You don't, you get down from ducks.

What city has the largest rodent population?
→ Hamsterdam.

What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates?
→ "Well done."

What did one cloned sheep say to the other?
→ "I am ewe."

What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
→ "I find you very attractive."

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
→ Nothing, they just waved.

What did one potato chip say to the other?
→ Shall we go for a dip?

What did the painter say to the wall?
→ "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"

What do cats like on a hot day?
→ A mice cream cone.

What do cats like on their hot dogs?
→ Mouse-tard.

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
→ Mice Krispies.

What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
→ French flies.

What do polo players get from spending all afternoon in the saddle?
→ Poloroids.

What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
→ A lawn moo-er.

What do you call a dog that is left-handed?
→ A south paw.

What do you call a frightened scuba diver?
→ Chicken of the sea.

What do you call a monster with no neck?
→ The Lost Neck Monster.

What do you call a transvestite cow?
→ A Dairy Queen.

What do you call Eskimo cows?
→ Eskimoos.

What do you get when you cross a duck with a computer?
→ A quackintosh.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
→ Bacon and legs.

What do you get when you have a cow and a duck?
→ Milk and quackers.

What does an envelope say when you lick it?
→ Nothing, it just shuts up.

What does Michael Jackson call his "Tickle-me Elmo" doll?
→ Bait.

What goes "99 thump 99 thump 99 thump...?"
→ A centipede with a wooden leg.

What goes "Tick tock, woof woof"?
→ A watch dog.

What is a reptile's favorite movie?
→ The Lizard of Oz.

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
→ Decomposing.

What kind of reptile tells time?
→ A clock-odile.

What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?
→ Chocolate chimp cookies.

What magazine do cats like to read?
→ Good Mousekeeping.

What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?"
→ It's raining cats and dogs.

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him scribbling furiously on a notepad.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about writing a will.

He said:

- Will, will,... WHAT WILL? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite!!

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend.

- I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, I'm sending him over.

The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

- A female horth - the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one.

- Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

- Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

- OK, what about the earsth?

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

- OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat.

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says:

- Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!

Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

- Not yet - replied little Johnny.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, now he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

- How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? - he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:

- Are you going to tell him, or should I?