Random joke from this category
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
- Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says:
- What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?
- The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff... I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em!"
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.
Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.
Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.
One cat just leads to another.
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.
You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.
A termite walks into a bar and asks:
- is the bartender here?
C'mon...think about it! :)
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:
- I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk:
- Henry, I'm counting on you to do your stuff. - he said. And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out:
- Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself. But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying:
- Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.
- Shhhhh, - Henry whispered. The buzzard is getting closer.
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said:
- I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.
The other cow replies:
- Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks!
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.
"None survived the branding."
Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to the other chicken:
- who is your favorite music composer?
The second chicken responds:
- bach, bach, bach!
There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.
A few days later he calls his mother.
- Did you like the parrot? - he asked her.
- Oh yes - she replied.
- It was delicious.
- WHAT! - the man cried.
- You ate it? That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!
The mother paused for a moment and then said:
- So why didn't he say something?
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch:
- Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.
The birch says:
- Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:
- It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
