Animal Jokes — worst jokes

Bits of information to help you through the day:

- If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

- A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

- Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

- Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included here?)

- The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

- The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)

- Polar bears are left handed. (I'm sure glad somebody found that out!)

- A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)

- The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home! What the....")

- Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)

- Butterflies taste with their feet. (hmmm...chocolate...doh!...not chocolate, not chocolate! BAD DOG!)

- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

- Starfish don't have any brains. (...and are now employed at JokesGalore.com!)

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said:

- OK, lets get out and get him.

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted:

- The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?

The guy in the front says:

- Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I'd brace myself!

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his freakin' head!

The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.

He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz... down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says:

- I'm a dove and I've been loved!

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said:

- I'm a Lark and I've been sparked.

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.

The Duck is lying there really pissed off, and says:

- I'm a Drake and there's been a mistake!

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says:

- Hey! Cut it out, all right!

The rear tiger says:

- sorry,

and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says:

- I said stop it!

The rear tiger says:

- sorry,

and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger:

- What is it with you, anyway?

The rear tiger replies:

- Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

- You simpleton! - the officer barked.

- Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?

- Yes sir - the solder answered apologetically.

- But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!

My 75 year old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him.

- Hey, mister! Pssst, mister!

Dad looked all around, and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him.

- Hey mister - said the frog.

- A wicked witch cast a spell on me, and turned me into an ugly frog. If you'll just kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.

Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on. The frog called out to him again:

- Hey! Didn't you hear me? I said if you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.

Dad replied:

- I heard you, but at my age, I'd rather just have a talking frog!

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said:

- Mmmmm, I smell sausage.

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said:

- Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles................

Are you ready for this? :)............

The baby mole said:

- The only thing I can smell is molasses!

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said:

- You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!

The blind man retorted:

- I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass!

When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

- Listen up! - Noah said with a demanding voice.

- There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back.

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.

- Quick! - he said. - Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said:

- Sorry, no land yet.

- Darn it! - exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked:

- What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?

- LOOK! - said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper... - I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!