Random joke from this category
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.
- Does your dog bite?
- No.
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
- I thought you said your dog didn't bite! - the man says indignantly.
- That's not my dog.
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal:
- What's your pleasure?
The seal replies:
- Anything but Canadian Club.
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger:
- Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!
- So? - asked the ducks former owner.
- did you remember to light the candle under the pot?
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says:
- Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.
So the Doberman says:
- I love liver and cheese.
The Collie replies:
- That's not good enough.
The Bulldog says:
- I hate liver and cheese.
She says:
- That's not creative enough.
Finally, the Chihuahua says:
- Liver alone . . . cheese mine.
Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to the other:
- Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, 'No Pets Allowed,' and I can't leave Fido alone on the street.
The other man replies:
- No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!
The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar.
The bartender looks up and says:
- Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!
The man says:
- But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!
The bartender says:
- Oh, okay then.
The man drinks his beer and leaves.
The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar. The bartender looks up and says:
- Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!
The man says:
- But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!
The bartender says:
- Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog!
The man, thinking quickly, blurts out:
- Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks:
- What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?
The dog answers:
- ROOF.
The bartender says:
- Who are you kidding? I'm not paying.
The dogs owner says:
- How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else.
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks:
- Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?
The dog answers with a muffled:
- RUTH.
With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says:
- DiMaggio?
A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman says:
- Sorry we don't serve snails
and throws him out.
A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says...
- What did you do that for!
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
- What's wrong with your turtle?
- Not a thing - the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!
- Not a chance! - replies the barkeep.
- Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says:
- I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!
A cowboy walks in to a bar and says:
- I want a beer.
So after he drank his beer he was about to leave then he noticed that his horse was gone.
He shouted:
- if i dont get my horse back after this beer i am gonna have to do what i did in Georgia.
So he finished his beer and he saw his horse was back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked out the window what did you have in Georgia? i had to walk home.
A family of ducks were walking down the road when an 18-wheeler ran over all but 1 baby. Farther down the road a family of skunks were walking the other way when the same 18-wheeler ran over all but one baby. The duck and the skunk finally met each other and the duck said, "Excuse me, my mom died down the road. Would you tell me what I am?" "Well", said the skunk "You have webbed feet, a beak, and feathers. You must be a duck." "Thanks" said the duck; then the skunk said, "My mom died down the road too, will you tell me what I am?" "Well", said the duck, "Your black, your white, & your mom's dead, you must be O.J.'s kid"
